Alas I cannot swim...

Day 15 - A song that describes you

Alas I Cannot Swim - Laura Marling

I've been dreading this blog post because I know I'll finally have to open up and admit things I don't really want to admit. So here goes nothing...

This song is almost verbatim my life.

"There's a house across the river but alas I cannot swim,

And a garden of such beauty that the flowers seem to grin.

There's a house across the river but alas I can not swim,

I'll live my life regretting that I never jumped in."

I went on a nice little trip tonight up to Silver Lake with 4 of the most amazing girls I know. We joked around, did some planking, walked in mud, and had some great discussions. As we got going we were talking about our "Blind sides" and when they started to say mine I could feel myself falling into that same old rut.

I'm not going to tell you what my blind sides are but suffice it to say, I'm too scared to do anything. I let so many things hold me back from living my life. Well really just one thing that trickles down into a lot of little things.

Without going into too much detail, I'll just say that I'm sick. This sickness can bring a variety of troubles into my life. It could disable me. It causes me immense pain. It even causes me to refrain from spending too much time in the sun. But the scariest thing you ask? It could very well take my life.

I remember as a kid watching my aunt go through the same thing. And I remember the phone call with the awful news of her passing.

I think this is what haunts me the most. As I look forward in life and try to plan things I can't. I want to limit the amount of people my family will have to call when my fate befalls me. So when it comes to relationships, whether they be romantic or purely platonic I can't help but withhold for fear of what I will put the other through.

I see the life I could live. I see the house across the river with the flowers that grin. I see the life across the river that was meant for me, instead I choose to live my life in constant misery. I see all these things but it's not the life that has unfolded before me. Instead I must stay on my side of the river and watch my friends and family on the other side of the river. I hold back from the hours of fun. Hold back from the memories. Hold back from life.

I was saying tonight how hard it is to keep going. To keep a cheery attitude when everything I hold dear is slipping through my fingers. Why should I please those who will never be pleased, when I can't give them the life they deserve to be living?

I just want to jump in and go across the river to the life I should be living on the other side. I can see it, the life I would have had this sickness never manifested itself. How I yearn for it!! I can't hep myself when I find myself on the path to the river only to get to the shore to remember I cannot swim. I must let the other person go. I can't hold them back from the life they should be living.

I look at the ways it's held me back. I missed more than 1/2 of my high school experience. The hardest part is that I was friends with the SBO's so of course whenever we get together 87% of the conversation is about high school. I have no input. My life consists of memories of my bedroom ceiling. I know the lines, I know the pattern of that ceiling. I learned how to shut myself down before I really go to thinking about the situation I'm in.

So this song is my wish. I wish I could go smell the flowers, fall for the guy with the short black curly hair, take the dive. I wish I could overcome my fears and just leap. But alas I cannot swim.

Love and Rockets,

Rodney

p.s. I literally cannot swim. Swimming lessons anyone?